so i have a xanga, as well as this. my xanga i've had since august 06...well this one at least. i've had many over the years of my eating disorder to help me get through some days...well i made the mistake of accidentally going to my roommate's xanga the other day and i forgot to logout and sign in under a different name...my fault, and i realize that....well thursday i sign on my xanga and it said that like 114 people were on my page that day. i thought that was really weird because there is never that many people on my xanga [today i've had 2]. so i clicked to view who had been on it...my roommate's name popped up over and over again. she read every single page!! she now knows things about me that i dont tell anyone who knows about my eating disorder. i go into so much detail about my feelings and everything. not to mention, there were days i was so pissed at her that i wrote stuff about her too...but omg i flipped out. i immediately called my mom bawling my eyes out[she knows about my ed] and then i went back to the room with my friend katie and bawled in there too and about had a panic attack. i was shaking so hard. friday morning i confronted my roommate about it and she had nothing to say for herself. i asked her why she read it when she saw it was so personal and that i told her at the beginning of the year that i had a very extremely personal xanga that i dont tell anybody about...so what does she do when she comes across it? she reads it!! all she could say is, "i'm sorry you feel that way." what a bitch, honestly. if i would have found someone's personal blog like that there's noway i could read it. NO WAY. needless to say i officially hate her...

anyways, today has been a sucky day with the her here. she doesn't talk to anybody now that she doesn't have me or katie. but you know, that's not my fault so whatever. it's so weird being in the same room with her. all i can think about is how much she hurt me and how much she now knows about me. when i was taking a nap earlier all of my dreams were about her and she kept talking to me in them which pissed me off so bad. i honestly woke up because i stopped breathing i was so pissed off in one...funny and very weird huh? lol

anyways, i haven't done a lot of eating today...my intake is a lil high so i guess it's a good thing i worked out...and im hoping that i dont eat for the rest of the day now, but who knows? the night is young....

b- (sf) redbull [10]
l-half a side salad [7], dressing [20], couple pineapple cubes [5?]
d-grilled chicken breast w/ provolone cheese and mayo [395]
T= 437

workout: -370

total for the day: 67

...im glad that when you eat chicken your body really only takes in like half the calories....ugh

i'm finally getting the energy once again to start working out...no, i have not been working out for these past 4 weeks. disgusting, i know. but school is so overwhelming and stressful...i need to look good by summer so im really going to step things up now. i'm going to plan my meals beforehand again. hopefully this works...well im gonna go plan my meals for tomorrow and go to bed so i get up and workout tomorrow...good night.

SHE'S GETTING HER HAIR DYED LIKE MINE...WTF?? wow i just realized when she asked me and my friend katie how short we wanted our hair cut i bet she was asking us that so she could get her hair cut like that too...oh man...when will she start trying to be herself?!? at first she was just copying me but now she's slowly moving on to my best friend too...weird...

this may be long. im just gonna sit here and write.

i dont even know where to begin, or how to group my thoughts and feelings. i need to have a serious talk with myself though. what am i becoming? why am i letting myself fall apart? what is wrong with me?? i obsess to no end about food and my weight. but yet, at the end of the day i go to bed with a full stomach, a body full of calories, and a guilty conscience. im fat. that's all there is to it. i put on my swimsuit bottoms today to see how i could hide a tattoo under them. i was appalled. you dont even understand the amount of disgust i have at myself for my lack of control. where have my bones gone?? i can't find them anywhere. even when i could see them i wasn't satisfied, but at least i could see them. at least i knew where i was getting. now i can't even lose 5lbs in a week. i was doing decent. weighed 134 this morning...ate half of a large pizza with my roomie for dinner..that was really all i had to eat today but still...STILL. that's disgusting. i'm disgusting. i need to fix this and i dont know how. i dont even know where to begin. i can't ask for help because the only way i would ever ask for help would be to go into recovery.

just a while ago i saw a picture of courtney love. she's skinny. what? i know. strange huh? now i'm like, "damn, i'm fatter than courtney love." that's bad. admit it. i know you think i'm fat. it's okay because i am. I AM FAT. disgusting. i hate myself for what im doing; eating. eating all the time. this has to come to an end. it cannot control my life anymore. i wanted to weigh 125 by next saturday but now i'm a week behind and i've got to weigh 130...chances are i'm back to needing to lose 6lbs. what the fuck. i'm awful. completely terrible.

i dont want to eat tomorrow, but im getting an industrial piercing. will i pass out? doubt it, but it's probably not a good idea to test it. i probably wont eat tho. i can't. im not allowed. from now on. i am not allowed to have food. i'm cut off...

well that's my back on track rambling. hope it did something.

i dont know what has been up with me lately. i just keep eating and eating! i'm majorly stressed out with school lately. this quarter of college is so difficult. after i eat tho i feel so much better!! so i think that's why i keep doing it. i've got to get that under control though. i wanted to be 130 by this saturday...i'll be lucky to be 133...im gonna try to fast tomorrow and friday. i was supposed to fast yesterday and today and both ended up in binges...so maybe i'll just restrict?? i dont know. i really just dont know. what the hell man? oh well... i would see if someone wants to do a fast, that way i would follow through cuz i wouldn't want to let them down, but im not one for supporting this disease. i hate it. and i dont wish it upon anyone else, therefore i could never help somebody achieve this. does that make sense?? i dont think it does. i need sleep...an empty stomach would be nice too....hopefully tomorrow...i've got to fast tomorrow and friday. damn.

now that i've rambled forever im gonna shut up and hopefully go to sleep...

ate too much this weekend...not a crap load, but enough...starting tomorrow im not eating for as long as i can...im hoping to make it all week but i dunno if i will...i need to make at least 3 days. then maybe i'll eat something small and fast for another 3 days...so my scale at school...UMM 5LBS HEAVIER THAN IT SHOULD BE!! sooo excited!! i weighed myself at home on a better scale (my scale here is cheap) umm yeah it def. said i was like 5lbs lighter. im soo excited!! so instead of losing 10lbs this week i only have to lose about 5-6. i knew when my scale popped really loud that one day that it prolly wasn't a good thing haha...

anyways...i had an amazing weekend. friday i came home and my mom, my sister and i had a hair coloring party haha. it was fun. saturday i went and saw my grandparents, went out to eat with the family, went shopping, and then hung out with some of my sweet friends from home...one of which i have a huuuuge crush on. he's soo bad for me tho haha. i love love love the bad boys and this one is by far the worst bad boy i've ever gone after...but his sweet, cute, and nice personality won my heart lol. but anyway, you name it he's done it...oh btw, he has an adorable son. im not gonna stop hanging out with him tho, he's too nice of a person to forget about. then today i went out to eat once again with my other grandparents and now im back on campus.

well i need to start reading a lil...i'm out

peace <3

ahh yess...i didn't eat a thing all day. i almost did. i told my friends i would go to dinner with them....when i walked in the bathroom i was like, "you dumbshit! what are you thinking?!" so i told them nevermind..so all is well and i dont even think i broke 100 cals today.. so i did pretty good today...gooood.

Well as i told one of the girls yesterday, i'm joining her on a 2 day fast. hopefull all goes well. i just have a feeling i'm going to have to eat sometime. i have to go to the doctor tomorrow cuz my celexa is making me have problems breathing...great..
had a dream last night about the guy i'm pretty much in love with and have been since i was 16...anyways, my friend and i surprised him (lives in michigan) and he was really hot at the beginning of the dream but he kept getting fatter and fatter but i still loved him lol...too bad i'm pretty sure this guy who tells me he still has feelings for me has just been dragging me on..thanks, i love you too. he's a complicated story right there...

i'm so excited to go home for easter, but not for the food..eww...
okay i've got to start doing things now...
peace.

i'm so depressed and mad at myself. how could i do this? how could i let this happen? i've let myself go and now i have to regain control. i'm done. fuck food. gosh i wish my roommate wasn't in here right now so i could just sit on the floor and cry my eyes out infront of the mirror like i used to do. honestly i would spend an hour rocking on the floor scratching myself all over and pulling at my fat. i can't stand myself. my weight, i dont even want to say..was 145 about an hour or so ago...that is after water, dinner, and clothes. plus im on my period...once it's gone i should weigh 139...139 fuckk. i need to start fasting and now. i'm basically failing at life. i hate myself. i hate walking outside cuz i know people think im fat...damn.

here's my goals that i have to reach:

April 14: 130
April 21: 127
April 28: 125

these are all short-term goals...my ugw, 99 as it always has been. one of these days i'm going to reach it..if only people would stop encouraging me to recover...

im fat.

last night was terrible. my sister called me and told me to read my cousin's blog on myspace. as i was reading tears just continued to well up in my eyes...my cousin, my own flesh and blood, wrote terrible things about me on myspace and facebook and told people to go read it. she didn't write my name but i knew it was about me because of some of the things she wrote i had told her...like how i was bawling my eyes out over a friend that got hurt...but anyways, i then called my mom and continued crying to her. it's such a terrible feeling to have a family member attack you. i can't grasp it at all because of the key word there, FAMILY...i dont understand. why does she think that's okay?? i didn't do anything to deserve that...

i have a whole new reason to get skinny now...

since i was 16 i have liked this guy...that's 3 years now. he  moved away and all we have are phone conversations now. but thank god the feelings are still there. just this weekend i decided i was just going to give up on him because i figured he would never come back. he just called me....he's moving back!! he'll still be far away, but only like 2 hours and he'll be in the same state...maybe we are getting another chance.  we never officially dated because my parents wouldn't allow it until i was 18...by that time he was gone. now is a different story...im not going to mess up again...

but i need to be skinny when i see him again..he remembers me at like 110-113 pounds back when my anorexia was at it's peak...now i've got a whole new motivation and im gonna do it...

operation christopher has begun :]

My spring quarter of college begins tomorrow...and so does my exercising and restricting all over again. for some reason i dont eat at school but i eat a ton at home...i have no clue why...anyways, im really hoping to get down to 130 again by april 6th...who knows if that will happen but im gonna try my best....

my doctor put my on low-dose celexa for my anxiety and stress. i haven't been sleeping well so we are both hoping that with this medicine i will finally begin to chill out and SLEEP!! so far so good...my mom is freaking out about it tho-imagine that...

anyways, short post tonite cuz im tired and bored...